Dancing with Cancer

Dancing with Cancer

Five years ago, I was at the apex of my career, living a happy and comfortable life with my wife and children. However, fate played a terrible joke on me: I was diagnosed with terminal kidney cancer.  This unexpected calamity struck and horrified me, who rarely ever needed to see a doctor.

I was told that the cancer I had was malignant and incurable, with an average life expectancy of one year. During the next 6 months, I walked in the shadow of death with two surgeries, which afflicted me with excruciating pain. My world, which used to be an elegant castle built by solid rock, was now crumbling and falling apart.

The surgeries left me an incomplete body. Besides the extreme physical pain following the surgeries, I lost my left kidney, where the fist-sized cancer tumor had originated; I lost my pancreas, because the tumor was spreading and growing on my pancreas after the first surgery. I also lost my duodenum, part of my stomach and bile duct.

Having lost all these precious organs that God had deemed necessary for our lives, I found myself as helpless as an infant, and every moment of my daily life became an unknown challenge. What is left of my stomach is extremely sensitive, giving me intolerable pain when it cannot digest the food I eat. With the loss of duodenum, no matter how good the food may be, my body cannot fully absorb the nutrition contained in it. Loss of the pancreas, the only organ in the human body that functions both as an endocrine and exocrine gland, brings even more serious trouble to me.   Without the pancreatic juice and digestive enzymes produced by the exocrine gland, I have to take a very expensive medication named CREON whenever I eat; otherwise, none of the food will be digested.  Without the insulin produced by the endocrine gland, my blood sugar can rise up to a fatal level that will eventually lead to dysfunction throughout my entire body.   In order to maintain my blood sugar, I have to use a needle to test my sugar level five times a day, and then adjust the insulin quantity injected into my body.  I've become a “bio creature” that needs medication to sustain every minute of my life.

The most traumatic moment for me was when I heard news that I was going to die soon after my second surgery.  The tumor continued to grow and was spreading at an exponential rate. The doctor told me that I was left with only one year at most. At the doctor's suggestion, I signed up to be a “guinea pig” in a clinical trial for a new drug that was not yet approved by the FDA. I was informed that this new drug would give me another year of life, if I was lucky.

This was the darkest period of my life. Unlike the two previous surgeries, in which I was rushed to an operation room without much time to think of death, being a “guinea pig” was a completely different story. Every patient participating in the trial for this new drug had to draw blood every two weeks for testing, and take a CT scan every three months to monitor the growth of the tumor and effectiveness of the drug.  Every visit to the doctor's office was a traumatic experience, as if I was walking to my death.

We all know that, sooner or later, everyone will die. However, when you are actually approaching death, you start to realize that you are not yet ready to handle it. According to research, 60% of people with cancer die from fear and other psychological reasons. Though I could not find any proof to test its accuracy, I believe that this statement is somewhat true.

During the clinical trial, when I heard that the effectiveness of this new drug was measured by weeks of participants’ life, I realized that I was only a few feet away from the gate of death.  I was chilled and horrified by this imminent threat.   

People rely most on almighty God when they are in the deepest pit of despair.  During those days, I looked up into the sky and prayed to God for strength and peace. I started reading the Bible often, hoping that the gospels would be the living water, which could heal my spiritual wound.

The character that eventually lifted up my spirit was an unexpected person in the Bible.  It was neither Peter, the great leader of the twelve disciples with eloquent oratorical gifts, nor Paul, the most prolific writer in the Bible, the author of thirteen New Testament books, and the greatest evangelist in the history of Christianity. 

He was a silent man. He didn't write a single book in the Bible. You cannot even find a single sentence that he said in the Bible. He was an ill man. Although the Bible does not reveal what kind of illness he had, I guess he was in a similar situation to me, having an incurable disease like cancer, and being in spiritual desperation. Although this man didn't leave any words for later generations, I believe people who read the Bible would all remember him. He was Lazarus, who was called and revived by Jesus four days after his death.

Reading the story of Lazarus revealed a brand new picture of life in my heart.  To me, Lazarus was no longer a remote historic character who lived in two thousand years ago. His story of reviving from death by Jesus was no longer a legend.  He was a lively person staying right by my side, carrying me out of breathless deep shadow, giving me the strength and courage to overcome every obstacle in my daily life.  

Lazarus’s grave “was a cave, and a stone was lying against it.” Jesus said, “Remove the stone.” (John 11: 38-39) I was inspired and shocked by these short verses, realizing that  Lazarus and I had been walking into the same cave, the cave of death, suffering in pain and fear. This cave, blocked by a huge rock, had no air, making people suffocate and lose the desire to live. If we did not remove that rock, I as well as Lazarus would have no chance to survive.  We were dying. 

Lazarus and I cannot move the huge rock based on our power alone. It is an impossible mission.  Lazarus is already dead, with his body decayed, rancid, and filthy, whereas I am a stage IV cancer patient with a death sentence, devoured by the merciless tumor. We have no choice but to surrender ourselves, and to completely rely on the supreme almighty God stretching out His merciful hands to remove the huge rock which blocks the cave.

When Jesus cried out with a loud voice, “Lazarus, come out!” (John 11:43)  Lazarus was raised from death, and walked out of the cave.

Lazarus revealed a mystery to me.  If you learn how to embrace death, you will know how to treasure every precious moment in your life. This is a required course that I have to learn.  I began to understand that I must learn how to completely trust in God, calmly accept death, and relieve myself of fear.  This will heal my overwhelming sorrow and keep me with a high spirit in adversity.   

Relieved of the fear of death, I feel alive and revived like a newborn child.

I no longer regard those radiology reports as a verdict of my death sentence. Regardless whether the report shows either good or bad news, I treat them as a banquet celebrating a new born baby.  Compared to most kidney cancer patients who died without much time to say good bye to their loved ones, I am very fortunate. I enjoy a VIP treatment that most cancer patients do not have.  Because I am a “guinea pig” in the clinical trial, my blood is being drawn and analyzed every two weeks, and I have a CT scan every three months. Every tiny change in my tumors is scrutinized by my doctors.  This gives me a special blessing. Before I reach the end of my cancer journey, I have enough precious time to tell my family members and friends how much I love them.        

I no longer pity myself as a “bio creature”.  Loss of my left kidney, small intestines and pancreas put me into an unpredictable hardship.  It is a tremendous challenge to sustain my life. Every time my wounded stomach pains, erratic blood sugar levels cause my feet to go weak, heart beats fast, my head dazzles, and my eyes blur, I am always left in awe, praising almighty God who created heaven and earth, and how amazing he is to create such unbelievable, precious, irreplaceable organs.   I feel ashamed to have taken them for granted so long before I lost them.    

I am no longer wandering through shadows.  Although I don't know how long the revived Lazarus lived after he walked out of the cave,   I believe that after he experienced death and learned how to embrace death, every day of his new life was immersed in the glory of God. It will be a meaningless effort to find out how many more days he lived.

Time flies by. This is the fifth year after I was diagnosed with cancer. Most of the people who were in the same clinical trial with me had already died, but I am still miraculously alive, becoming one of a few survived rare species.  Every time I go to the hospital for my routine treatment, Dr. Pal, my oncology doctor at the City of Hope Hospital,  always warmly greets me with smile. The way he smiles seems to say:” You are still alive.”  He told me that among the many patients who participated in the clinic trial, I am the top one percent performer, having the best result in responding to the drug, and living the longest so far.   

“I am still alive!”  This sentence has become the most frequent greeting phrase when I greet visitors or talk with people on the phone in recent years.  People familiar with my situation understand the underlying meaning of this greeting. But for those people who do not know my condition, it is an awkward moment when they first hear this unusual opening, trying to find the right words to continue our conversation. 

During five years of dancing with cancer, away from busy work, I have spent most of my time with my family, enjoying dwelling in a warm household.  This is the most intimate and happy time that I and my wife have ever had in our thirty years of marriage.  Together, we water the blooming flowers on the backyard slope, plant vegetables, feed the colorful Koi fish in the pond, listen to a pair of parrots singing, pick up the eggs laid by our four hens, and play with our two loyal dogs. I treasure these precious moments, and consider every simple meal we eat as the last supper given by God. 

Living at home and spending time with family does not mean being isolated from the rest of the world. I try to do little things to help the people around me, let them feel the love of God through me. As my life term is being extended and prolonged on a three month basis, I've become an amateur cancer consultant. Many newly diagnosed cancer patients have heard of my case and call me, asking questions. In our conversation, I listen to their sorrow and pain, and comfort their souls.  I've become a live witness, sharing with them my experience of dancing with cancer, from the fear of death, to accept and embrace the death. Learn how to completely entrust in God, living in God’s glory every day.    

After a long period of time in the clinical trial to treat my cancer, the side effects of the new drug began to show up in my body.  This has made it difficult for me to schedule any long-term plans and travel arrangements in advance, as a normal healthy person does.  It is a new lesson to learn and a great challenge to my faith in God.  I found my love of music at a young age, and I used to enjoy playing piano accompaniments for my wife’s violin students.  Now every student competition and recital schedule written on my wife’s teaching calendar becomes a milestone that I am not sure I can cross. I revel in every performance, the final movement of my splendid life, with these lovely young musicians on the stage.       

Dancing with cancer, I no longer fear death. While the CT scan taken two months ago confirmed the cancer has spread to my lungs and other parts of my body, I calmly and peacefully accept reality. I do not count how many days remain in my last earthly journey. “Each day has enough trouble on its own.” (Matt 6:34). With gratefulness in my heart, I peacefully walk on my cancer journey, enjoying the beautiful scenery alongside the road, reaching my hand out to help those people who are in hardship and difficulty.      

I no longer regard cancer as an unexpected calamity, but think of it as a ladder leading me to an extraordinary new life.